Surviving Single Parent Holidays

For a long time, FP had supervised and then amended visitation and so although we had been separated for such a long time, last Christmas 2007 was my first Christmas ever without my children. I don't have any earth-shattering advice for how to get through holidays without your children, but I can only share with you my own experience and maybe it will help a little. I am still learning as I go, however, and still struggle at holidays myself. I think that no matter what you do or how long you have been divorced or apart from your spouse, holidays without your children will be hard. There is no "easy" way around it - I don't think that being apart is the way God intended it to be, so if your family is apart during the Holidays, it will be a struggle no matter how "strong" you are or how "far" you have come.

I believe that the first and most important step to facing a holiday alone is lots and lots and lots of prayer. This may sound overly simplistic, but our prayers and God's Word are our most powerful weapons against depression and loneliness. When I knew I would be spending Christmas alone, I started praying months ahead about the Holiday and that God would prepare me for that time without my children. One thing I prayed was asking God to show me how to spend my December that year.

God put it on my heart first of all to make the most of the time during the beginning of December that I did have with my children. I tried to celebrate every day with them up until the day they left to be with FP. We went overboard decorating the house, we made cookies together, we got gifts ready for family and friends, we went to the library and got tons of Christmas books and read one every night before they left; I just tried to squeeze the most that I could out of the time I had with them before they left. God also put it on my heart to put my focus on those children and families who had it far worse than I, or we, did. My children and I did the "Operation Christmas Child" shoe boxes together, we prepared food boxes for local families without food for the holidays, and we prayed for families who were suffering or separated by war, poverty, death, etc. It may sound morbid, but it helped me to think not so selfishly of myself but to think on those who had lost loved ones, whose husbands or wives or children were serving our country overseas with an uncertain fate, those who were battling illnesses....those who had it far worse than I. At least I knew that my children were healthy and safe and, though I would be alone, they would have a wonderful and magical Christmas with FP and they would return home to me within just a matter of days.

One day in December before my children left, I was driving in my car and the song "I'll Be Home for Christmas" came on the radio. I just absolutely lost it---sobbing. I said, "Lord, I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can do Christmas without my children. This isn't fair!" Lovingly and patiently, but firmly, God simply said back to me "Christmas is NOT about YOU". And I realized that rather than focusing on my kids, my loneliness, my sadness, my holiday...I needed to focus on Christ alone and worship Him throughout my time alone. God also put the thought in my mind to call a friend who worked for a local children's shelter and see if they needed help on Christmas Eve. This was completely the Holy Spirit and I am so thankful for it. I don't think I could have gone to the Christmas Eve service at my church and sat for one minute with all of the other "happy families" and pretended that I was just fine on my own. Luckily, the children's shelter did need help - so that year, without my children, I spent my Christmas Eve night with about 20 local children who were spending their Christmas without any parents. As I sat there looking around the room at the shelter, singing Christmas carols with these children on Christmas Eve night, I thought thankfully that at least I knew where my children were and how they were doing. At least I knew that they were safe and having fun. At least I knew they would be home in 2 days. These children at the shelter sat there on Christmas Eve night with no real "home", no idea where their moms and dads were, no idea if mom or dad were sober/healthy/safe, and no idea when or if they would ever see either parent again. What struck me the most, though, was that these children were happy. They weren't sitting at the shelter whining or complaining. They were singing, laughing, excited to go to sleep and wake up to open the gifts members of the community had provided for them. This pretty well put me back in my place! I spent the night that night at my parents' house so that I would not be alone and I can honestly say that I fell asleep in peace, touched beyond words by my experience at the shelter.

Lastly, and probably most selfishly, I also spent time planning a fun get-away for myself over the Holiday. I did not have anyone to travel with, so I humbly asked my parents if they would go away with me for a few days to a hotel and spa that I have been wanting to go to for years. Luckily they were able to go but if they had not been, I believe God would have provided another single mom, a friend, or peace by myself for me to get away. Having this time away to treat myself and relax and do things I would not have been able to do with my children was a huge blessing and helped occupy my time in a more than positive way.

By the time the day came for my children to return home, it honestly seemed like the time without them had flown by. I had prayed that God would show me how to spend that Christmas without them and He had answered my prayers above and beyond what I expected or imagined. I can honestly say that while there were difficult moments, all in all last Christmas was not a bad Christmas. I have memories from that Christmas, just like Christmases with my children, that I will treasure forever.

I warned you at the beginning of this story that there would be no earth-shattering advice or wisdom shared in this writing...only the account of how one single mom survived the holidays alone. But hopefully somewhere in there is some encouragement or idea you can grab a-hold of if you are spending your holiday alone this year. And if you are, please know that I am praying for you and will continue to pray for you and that our Father, who meets ALL of our needs in Christ Jesus, is able to bless your Christmas above and beyond what you could ever imagine. Trust Him with this Holiday as you trust Him with your heart, always.

Lord, I pray right now not only for all the single moms and dads out there who are spending Holidays without their children this year but also for military families, families who have loved ones in the hospital, families who have been separated by death, and any other families who are struggling right now. Lord, please help each of us to be so filled with your Spirit and your Presence that we would have that PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING this Christmas and New Years. Lord, please help us to remember that Christmas is not about us and how we feel but it is a time to look to YOU and to Your Son who came to FREE us from all sin, sorrow, and death. May we experience that freedom more than ever this year as we look to you in our time of need and trust in you to fill us to the measure of fullness with your love, peace, joy and hope. We love you Lord and we trust in you that you WILL meet ALL of our needs in Christ Jesus and in Him alone. In His name we pray...Amen!!

"[I pray that you may] know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:19-21

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a Son is given: and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

Failing and Forgiveness

The other day we were driving down the road and I found myself apologizing to my children again for being short with them that morning and for being "snappy" while trying to get them out of the house and off to school. It always amazes me how quick they are to forgive. They don't play any of the games that adults tend to play like pouting, saying they forgive you but still giving you the silent treatment, or saying they forgive you but then re-hashing everything you did that hurt them. They say "I forgive you Mommy!" with a genuine, sincere love and then act as if nothing ever happened, laughing and playing with me immediately in a fully restored relationship. I was thinking about this and how many times I screw up as a Mom and how many times my kids bounce back and forgive and still trust and love me and then the Lord spoke 1 Peter 4:8 to me, saying "Love covers a multitude of sins". The full verse in the Amplified version says "Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and disregards the offenses of others]." Proverbs 10:12 carries this same message in saying that "Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses."(NLT)

I see these verses as having a three-fold message. First, it is my children's unconditional and innocent love for me, which is a gift from God, that allows them to so easily forgive me. Secondly, I believe that it is because of MY love for THEM, which is also a gift from God, and their assurance of that love, that they are able to forgive me. God has so strongly placed it on my heart that I need to assure my children multiple times daily of my love for them - giving them a squeeze, a pat, a hug, verbally telling them I love them and I'm proud of them, saying I love them in as many different ways as I can. I want my children to be able to one day say "I grew up in an imperfect home with an imperfect mom, but I always knew that I was LOVED." That is more important to me than any other measure of "success". Thirdly, I believe that it is because of GOD'S love and His grace through His Son that my wrongs as a mom and my imperfections are covered. He knows I am doing my best. He knows my limitations. Because of His intense love for me, He will, and He does through the blood of Jesus, cover my imperfections and my mistakes.

Tonight I was putting my oldest to bed and he asked me if he could pray for me. He prayed "Lord, I thank you for my mommy. She works so hard all by herself with no help but she is never grumpy and does a good job. I know she is tired but she doesn't say she is tired and she still plays with me. I know my mommy loves me. Please send somebody to help my mommy so she doesn't have to do so much all alone." I was absolutely in shock, to say the least. And first of all, let me say that I am NOT writing this to brag - I am writing this because it glorifies God's mercy and His love and His power and Him alone because I DO COMPLAIN...I DO tell my children I am tired and cannot play...I AM grumpy - often - and I make mistakes DAILY with my children. I am an imperfect, fallen, tired, grumpy mom. But glory be to God, He has covered my imperfections in love and allowed my child to see me for a moment through these eyes of love. Needless to say, I was of course crying by the end of the prayer. To hear this prayer from my child was a gift from God saying "I see you, daughter, and I will take care of your human mistakes. Rest in Me and Rest in My LOVE."

I say all this to encourage you to LOVE your children and to tell them over and over, as much as you can, that you love them. When you yell at them, stop, sit down, pull them over to you and APOLOGIZE. Say to them "Mommy didn't mean to yell. I'm sorry. I love you so much. Please forgive me. You are important to me...." Your love, their love, and God's love WILL cover the multitude of your mistakes. Remind them daily that they are loved not only by you and other family and friends, but that they are the beloved children of their Father in Heaven. Tell them daily "God loves you so much. You are so loved. You are precious to God. So many people love you. Grandmama loves you, Aunt Sue loves you, your teacher loves you...." Knowing that they are surrounded by love not only from you and from others on earth but also by their heavenly Father WILL cover a multitude of wrongs, as written in 1 Cor 13:7-8 "Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails...."

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." 1 Cor 13:1-3

Deep Roots and Good Soil

I grew up in a Christian home, but did not personally accept Christ until I was about 24 years old. Because the Lord delivered me from so much mess and darkness, I've always had a genuine and committed relationship with Him since the moment of my salvation but, for many years, much of my relationship was based on how I thought I SHOULD act and look as a "Christian" moreso than based on a deep love relationship and romance with my Father and my Savior. In Matthew chapter 6, Jesus talks to His followers about the "hypocrites" of the faith (most often represented by the Pharisees) and how they would live according to religious rules rather than a true love relationship with the Father. The word hypocrisy derives from the Greek ὑπόκρισις (hupokrisis), which means "play-acting", "acting out", "feigning, dissembling" (Oxford English Dictionary)- it was a word often used to refer to those on stage, actors wearing masks, PERFORMING for an audience. In many ways, when I first became a Christian, this is what I was doing. I didn't really know what a true relationship with the Lord looked like but I knew what the church said it was SUPPOSED to look like and so I performed and tried to live up to that image. The problem with this performance is that when you perform, there is no depth there, no true heart-felt response; it is only an outward act with no real substance behind it. Jesus referred to the Pharisees, who often carried out these religious performances for the sake of appearance, as "white-washed tombs". In Matthew 23:27, He says "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean." When we perform our religion with outer acts that we think are expected of us and pleasing to others, we too are those whitewashed tombs. We look good and clean on the outside but on the inside we are empty, rotting, dead, shallow. There is no life within us, no truth.

In Matthew 15:12-14, we are warned by Jesus of exactly what will happen if we choose to live our lives in this shallow way. His followers ask Him about the Pharisees and He answers, "Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots. Leave them; they are blind guides. If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit." If you are living a life based on shallow religion rather than a true relationship, you WILL fall and not only will you fall, but those who depend on you and look up to you will fall also. Also -- If you are living a life based on shallow religion rather than a true relationship, you WILL be pulled up by the roots when the hard times hit - You WILL be uprooted. When the crap hit the fan in my life, I felt uprooted, pulled apart. I questioned my faith, I questioned my God, and I questioned His love for me. One day I was reading the Parable of the Sower (Matthew 13:1-23), where Jesus talks about the different types of soil and the good, deep, healthy soil versus the shallow, dry, bad soil. I was immediately convicted that there was something very wrong with MY "soil" - I had had my roots dug up so easily, my faith so vulnerable, my faith so shallow, because my roots and my faith were based more on that outward performance than on a true realization of my rebirth and my new spiritual identity and relationship with the Father. I realized that I did not truly KNOW who I was in Christ and I did not KNOW how much my Father loved me and wanted a real, love-based relationship with me. It was not until I came to him, arms open, asking Him to show me His love for me, that I began to grow and change and my roots began to grow deeper and deeper.

Ephesians 4:14 and James 1:6 both refer to those whose faith is weak as being like ships that are tossed upon the sea. I don't want to be a ship tossed on the sea, rocking back and forth, with no stability. I want the relationship that cries out Abba! Father! where I can step out in the storm like Peter (Matthew 14) and walk toward my Lord no matter what the wind and waves are doing around me. No matter how scary my circumstances look, no matter how hard the winds blow against me, if my roots are planted so deeply in His love and the truth of His hand in my life, then I WILL NOT be uprooted. I will trust in Him, knowing that no matter what happens, He loves me and He will make all things good. Whatever manure happens in my life, My Lord will take it, mulch it, turn it around, and use it for Holy fertilizer to grow something beautiful!!! I pray to God that I will never go back to putting on the mask, performing without true understanding. I pray that I will always know and rest in His love, trusting Him in all things. I pray for deep roots and good soil, that I may produce beautiful fruit and bring glory to His name, forever, Amen!

Oh Lord, I do not want to have shallow, vulnerable relationships with you. I want depth, Truth, and real life. Lord, you say that if we ask you for wisdom you will give it to us without reproach. Please show each of us the relationship you desire to have with us. Please show us your love - your deep, abiding love - and your acceptance. Lord, lead me deeper and deeper into a true love relationship with you, my Father and my Redeemer, that my faith may be strong and established and that I may never let myself be uprooted again. In Jesus' name, Amen.