Sleeping on the Job

Recently, another single mom I met through friends, who is now a precious friend herself, asked me if I ever just feel exhausted, like she does. I don't even think that exhausted is the word. I cannot even sit down without falling asleep. I don't remember being this tired ever before, even when I had the children by myself while FP was constantly gone, "at work". It is a different kind of tired now...like those dreams you have where you feel like your body is like lead and you dream that you are trying to wake up and can't wake up - can't force your eyes open and can't speak.... It is sometimes like I am living inside one of those dreams and I'm scared it's real. I think "It's finally happened; I've had a stroke; I'm in a coma"...But then of course I DO wake up and then realize - "Nope, still here...just exhausted".

I tried to read one of my children a book the other day - a short children's book about elephants or pandas or some sort of wildlife - and fell asleep in the middle of reading the book babbling nonsense and trying to say "Panda" but sounding like a drunk- at 4:00 in the afternoon. I woke up to my child hitting me and shaking me awake. That's pretty sad. But today I felt like an 80 year old woman. My oldest child's class had a field trip today to go and see a play at the local theatre. I was really excited because I usually miss field trips because of work, and this was one I could go on. This was going to be precious time with my child. He didn't have to be at school as we would all meet at the auditorium later in the morning, so the two of us had a sweet, special breakfast together. I made his favorite breakfast, we chatted while I sipped my coffee- very Norman Rockwell. We walked hand in hand into the theatre and picked our seats out right behind our good friends, M and D, and after some drama about where exactly he would sit or not sit, we settled in and got ready for the play to begin. Then the lights went down in the auditorium and all went dark. Uh-oh. To me, that is like the bell ringing for Pavlov's dogs. Within probably 20 minutes, I was out cold. At one point, my child hit me and told me to wake up but I just rolled over in my seat and drooled on the other side of the armrest. Then M turned around and jostled me, shaking her head in disbelief (but laughing her tail off of course). I was able to rally for the rest of the play after being jostled and tsked by M....and so I tried to make up for it by putting my arm around my child and making a few comments in his ear about the play. But I wonder how he will remember that moment...or any of the other moments I tried to read with them, play with them, watch a movie with them, and instead ended up drooling on myself. My only consolation is that surely one day, when they have their own children, they will understand and say "Wow, Mom, I can't believe you did this alone!" But I don't know if that day will come - I'm not holding my breath.

All I do know is that my God is El Roi - He is the God who sees - and I believe that He, My Father who knows every hair on my head, who knows every thought in my head before I even think it, who knew me before creation of the world.... He knows how truly exhausted I am and He sees my heart. He knows that I did not willfully sleep through that time with my child. He knows that I am not exhausted from laziness or poor lifestyle choices or rebellion. I don't even know why I am exhausted, but it is not due to any poor choice on my part...it just is what it is. And I serve a God who judges me not by my outward appearance or outward "weakness", but by my heart (1 Sam 16:7). He knows that in my heart I long to be with my children, to spend precious time with them, to fill their hearts to the fullest. He knows what hopes and desires are in my heart for my children and, whether or not I am able to make those things happen in my flesh, I believe that God will honor these hopes and desires because He will honor my heart and He will honor my children, who are even more precious to Him than they are to me. A lot of people talk about "standing in the gap" (Ezek 22) and use this to talk about intercessory pray for weaker believers or non-believers. I believe, based on Romans 8:26, that my Father, my Savior, will "stand in the gap" for me. He knows my weaknesses and my short-falls and if I ask Him to in prayer, He will fill those places in for me and fill those needs in my children that I am not able to fill. I FREQUENTLY pray this over them and it is amazing how many of my short-comings God has covered in His grace. I pray that He will fill in the cracks and holes that I leave behind and that He will help my children see my love for them and not my failures. I pray that in their little brains He would diminish those times of me falling asleep on them and that He would magnify those times of laughter and fun that we are able to have together (after I have a few espressos from Starbucks). I pray that He would open their eyes to see the love in their Mom's heart and that they too would not judge me by my outer weakness but by the truth of how much they must know I care about them and for them. And I will trust in Him to do this, because He is my Father, the Creator of heaven and earth. If He can create life from out of nothing, He surely can and will awaken a miracle in my sleepy home.

Thoughts on Divorce and Remarriage

I am sure that I am not the ONLY single parent out there who wonders about divorce and remarriage and the Biblical view of all this. Just out of curiosity, I did a google search a few months ago on "What does the Bible say about divorce and remarriage" and of course about 80 gazillion sites came up, and about as many different opinions on each site.

I have really prayed about this issue and I believe I have just placed it before God to guide me on His paths...and so I'm trusting Him to give me wisdom when it is needed. Anyway, while searching and praying a few months ago, I found this article/pamphlet on the subject that I thought was VERY well written and I just wanted to share it with any other single parents out there who may have the same questions. It is by RBC Ministries -- the people who write "Our Daily Bread". I have always liked material they have written, and used to read the "Our Daily Bread" pamphlets each month, so I was excited that they had published something on this particular issue.

Anyway, if you are interested in this subject and you would like to read their article, which studies divorce and remarriage from a Biblically based viewpoint, then please CLICK HERE to be linked to that article. If you know of someone else who might be interested, you can order copies of this article in pamphlet form from the website - Or you could just send them the link!

"If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking." James 1:5 (NLT)

RBC Ministries home page: http://www.rbc.org/index.aspx

Out With the Old, In With the New

It's night-time, after bedtime. The house is perfectly quiet and still...peaceful. It would be the ideal time to drape myself across the sofa, light a candle, eat chocolates, and read a favorite book - time to just self-indulge for a moment and roll around in the quiet and solitude. But...that is VERY rarely what actually happens. I either fall asleep before my head even hits the pillow or I am endlessly trying to catch up on, as I have referred to before, my many "piles" around the house. My piles contain all sorts of objects - papers that I swear one day I will file, bills that I swear one day I will pay, my child's plastic cowboy whose cowboy hat I will super-glue back on eventually, one AA battery that I will one day test to see if it's good or bad, some outgrown clothes that eventually will make it into a bag and then to Goodwill, a Birthday card or two that will be thrown away when I get around to it, maybe some photos that I swear will make it into that album I have been meaning to purchase for 2 years, a magazine or two that I keep meaning to look at, etc., etc.... I will freely and without shame admit that I am a "pile" person. I love to make little piles because it makes me feel organized and when I "clean", this means I shift my piles from one room to another and change things from pile A to pile D and from pile F to pile C and maybe every now and then, on a caffeine-charged day, I can even eradicate a pile or two. Then I can feel really productive.

My favorite thing to do with my piles, though, is to shred papers. I don't know why, but I find it very cathartic to shred things. I make piles of old papers, old schoolwork from the kids (not the footprint reindeer or any of the keepsake stuff of course), junk mail, you name it, and then I just sit and shred - listening to that glorious ripping sound as the paper is torn apart and annihilated, rendered forever illegible. I have even been known to bring home old papers from work (even though we have a shredder at work) and shred them....The other day I came in for work and SL said "I have a surprise for you!" with a big grin on her face - it was a pile of papers for me to shred. Pitiful, huh? So as I am writing this I am thinking maybe I do have a problem. I'm sure that if I sat down with someone talented in psychoanalysis, they could come up with some sort of fascinating reason behind this fetish for shredding things. I think that I just like the finality of it - there is a paper that I don't want any more - I never want to look at it again or think about it again and so, in shredding it, I have forever destroyed that document and can now take it to the recycling place and save some trees and I can know that my house is now a few pounds lighter in useless paperwork.

Since my divorce, I have finally in the last 9 months found a peace and a lack of fear that I've never known before. After months of panic attacks, depression, inability to sleep, and fearfulness, I finally have a peace that passes understanding. I have had some people ask questions in the last year or so like "Doesn't it bother you when he......" or "Do you every worry about _________ with the kids" and "How do you respond to this when he...." In the past, my answer to all of those questions would have been an emotion-filled "YES!!!" "Yes, it drives me crazy," "Yes I am scared to death," "Yes my heart starts racing and I think I'm going to pass out when I think about that", "Yes, yes, yes"..... But the problem is that when I lived in that constant state of fear and dread, every event, every circumstance, every call, every E-mail, would just add useless and foul clutter to another "pile" that was already in my mind. Then there were more piles and more and more and my mind was so cluttered that I literally couldn't even think straight.

Finally, I just got sick of it. Not just a pitiful, whiny "I'm tired of feeling this way, poor me" but a determined, put-the-gloves-on, ready-to-fight-and-destroy sick of it where I told God I would do whatever it took to be rid of the clutter. I just decided that enough was enough and it was time to do some serious shredding. So, one Saturday morning, after I had been fasting for about 2 weeks, I fell face-forward before God and told Him I was sick of carrying all this crap and all these fears around and I was ready to just let Him eradicate all of it. And He did - but it took me getting to that point of being sick and tired of holding on to it before I would truly give it to Him and not take it back in my own hands. It also took me getting to the point that I would do anything to get rid of it because part of what He wanted me to do - which involved total forgiveness of all those who had hurt me - I was not ready for until that point.

This is not to say that I am never fearful at all or that I don't ever worry about my children and their safety. But it is different now. I hold that thought in my hand for a brief moment and I look over it and think about whether that is a thought I want to keep around or not. I would never keep a dirty diaper or a rotting piece of chicken in one of my many piles at my house. I don't just throw any old thing into one of my piles; it has to be inspected and categorized first! Just so, I don't want just any fearful, angry, or bitter thoughts stinking up my mind and infecting my thoughts - so, instead of filing that thought away for later use, I take it to God and I ask Him to shred it once and for all and I pray His forgiveness and grace and HIS protection and justice over the issue. And when it sneaks back in my head, which they often do, I quickly discard it again, knowing I have given it to my Father and He will take care of it.

If you are sick of the panic, the fear, the anger, the bitterness, the sadness, you will never 100% be able to let go of it unless you get so absolutely sick of it that you decide to destroy it and refuse to let it back in. If you don't shred it, it can always come back to haunt you. The Lord CAN change this in you if you let Him - it is for freedom that He has set you free in Christ and He wants you to be free indeed, with nothing holding you back (Gal 5:1, John 8:36). So let go of this yoke that is not from Him and let Him destroy it in the name of Jesus.

2 Timothy 2:22-24 (Amplified)
Shun youthful lusts (see 1 Peter 2:1) and flee from them, and aim at and pursue righteousness (all that is virtuous and good, right living, conformity to the will of God in thought, word, and deed); [and aim at and pursue] faith, love, [and] peace (harmony and concord with others) in fellowship with all [Christians], who call upon the Lord out of a pure heart.
But refuse (shut your mind against, have nothing to do with) trifling (ill-informed, unedifying, stupid) controversies over ignorant questionings, for you know that they foster strife and breed quarrels.
And the servant of the Lord must not be quarrelsome (fighting and contending). Instead, he must be kindly to everyone and mild-tempered [preserving the bond of peace]; he must be a skilled and suitable teacher, patient and forbearing and willing to suffer wrong."

What do YOU do all day?

Don't you just HATE that question of "what did you do all day?" Maybe I am alone, but I have always hated that question....Sometimes night time will creep up on me and before I know it, it is 10:00 PM, which is supposed to be my bedtime (though I'll most likely push it until 11 or 11:30). By the time "bedtime" rolls around though, I am seriously in shock when I look at the clock and see what time it is. Is it really that late? WHAT have I been doing all day? What do I have to show for myself? I am a "list of do's" type person, so before I will allow myself to go to bed at night, I have to justify to myself that I have done everything I could do to keep the house in order, have all things neat and taken care of, etc. This list is rarely ever accomplished, so of course I go to bed many times feeling guilty, lazy, or unsuccessful at my day no matter what I have done that day. There is still always something else left to do - another pile of laundry, another pile of papers to file, another pile of dishes to clean, another pile of mail to go through...there is always something. Sometimes when I focus too much on all the somethings, I can start to panic and feel like I'm going to drown in my own home. How will I ever get organized? How long can I keep shoving things into piles and shuffling those piles around? How in the world does a family as tiny as ours produce so much laundry?

The other day, I was studying the story of Noah (Genesis 6 and 7) and God has just kept this story with me throughout the whole week. He has just really impressed me with the importance of Noah's faithfulness and his patient trust in God to diligently do what God called him to do, no matter how tedious or pointless it seemed at the time. Have you ever really thought about how Noah must have felt, what temptations must have flitted through his head while building the ark, just hammering away day in and day out with not a rain cloud in sight while everyone around him sat on their tails and made fun of him? Regardless of whatever might have come into his head, though, he resisted quitting and instead kept hammering and working away at what the Lord had called him to do.

There is no real agreement on how long it took Noah to build the ark. Some say 120 years but others say 100 years, 75 years, or 50 years. Overall, the general consensus of most scholars is that it took the man a LONG time - at least 40-50 years. This would be years of just hammering one board and then the next, probably often by himself. You can only hammer one board at a time, you know. Perhaps his 3 sons may have helped him some, but we are not told if they in fact did help or not. We do know that no one else in the community was helping, because they all thought Noah was absolutely crazy. And, as there was really no way for Noah to speed up the whole ark building process, I wonder if he ever went to bed at night frustrated with his day, obsessing about how many boards he had nailed in, how much work he had left to do before the floods came. Or did he go to bed in peace, knowing that he had done all he could do that day and that the work would be finished in God's timing. Did he go to sleep knowing that even though the ark wasn't finished yet on day one, year one, year ten, etc....he could sleep in peace knowing he had been obedient to God by hammering one board in at a time.

Elisabeth Elliot says very simply, "When you don't know what to do next, just do the next thing." That is exactly what Noah did. He could not have known what the rain would be like; they had never seen anything like what God was going to do with the flood. He could not have known how the animals would come or when or where; I seriously doubt that all of those animals were lined up just watching him build the ark for 40 plus years....But he plugged away at doing "the next thing," even though he couldn't see the how or the why, simply because God had promised him that the floods would come and that the animals would come and that God would take care of the rest. He just kept doing what God called him to do, trusting God for the end result.

Right now, I am called by God to be a mom. Unfortunately, I am a single mom and I work so this does limit me in some ways BUT I am still first a mom and, with God's grace and His Spirit in me, I am able to fulfill whatever he wants me to accomplish. Right now my number one job that I feel God has called ME to do is to build the foundation on an ark for each of my children - so that one day, when they get ready to leave my home, they have a firm foundation to sail away on. I am adding one board at a time onto that ark. As they get older, I am teaching and will teach them how to add their own boards and nail them in. And hopefully, in however many years it takes to build their arks, they will be ready when the floods come.

To be perfectly honest, I think it is tedious as HECK building these arks. I am sick of one board at a time, one nail at a time, hammering away and not seeing the end-product. It would be so much easier to just order them an ark out of a catalog - why do I have to take time to build this ark with them myself?? They are so little, so young, that I am tempted to watch movies and read brainless novels instead of hammer boards and nails; I don't see any rainclouds on the horizon yet, so why should I waste my time? I also don't see any elephants or zebras lining up outside my house yet so can't I just do what I want to do instead of be the mom God called me to be?

But....If I lay down my hammer and my nails, then I am just as guilty as Noah's neighbors who yelled insults at him, ultimately mocking him for following the Lord. I KNOW in my heart that God has called me to invest in my children, to sow seeds in their lives, to teach them, to train them, to build them up. And if Noah could build a 450 foot ark by himself before the days of mass production, lumber mills, hardware stores, etc., then I can build my ark today too. The God who empowered Noah is my Lord too. He is the God of Noah, of Abraham, of Joseph, of Ruth, Esther - and He is the God who lives in me. So my arms are tired and I just want to go to bed, but I will pick up my hammer when He tells me to and I will hammer in .... one... more... board... and then another......and then another......and then another.... no matter how tedious it is. I will keep doing all of the little things that seem so pointless to me, but which are ALL part of that foundation that is necessary - one board at a time and one nail at a time - trusting in His call to just do the next thing and believing that in all of this, He will be glorified.

Deut 11:18-21 "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth."