Surviving Single Parent Holidays

For a long time, FP had supervised and then amended visitation and so although we had been separated for such a long time, last Christmas 2007 was my first Christmas ever without my children. I don't have any earth-shattering advice for how to get through holidays without your children, but I can only share with you my own experience and maybe it will help a little. I am still learning as I go, however, and still struggle at holidays myself. I think that no matter what you do or how long you have been divorced or apart from your spouse, holidays without your children will be hard. There is no "easy" way around it - I don't think that being apart is the way God intended it to be, so if your family is apart during the Holidays, it will be a struggle no matter how "strong" you are or how "far" you have come.

I believe that the first and most important step to facing a holiday alone is lots and lots and lots of prayer. This may sound overly simplistic, but our prayers and God's Word are our most powerful weapons against depression and loneliness. When I knew I would be spending Christmas alone, I started praying months ahead about the Holiday and that God would prepare me for that time without my children. One thing I prayed was asking God to show me how to spend my December that year.

God put it on my heart first of all to make the most of the time during the beginning of December that I did have with my children. I tried to celebrate every day with them up until the day they left to be with FP. We went overboard decorating the house, we made cookies together, we got gifts ready for family and friends, we went to the library and got tons of Christmas books and read one every night before they left; I just tried to squeeze the most that I could out of the time I had with them before they left. God also put it on my heart to put my focus on those children and families who had it far worse than I, or we, did. My children and I did the "Operation Christmas Child" shoe boxes together, we prepared food boxes for local families without food for the holidays, and we prayed for families who were suffering or separated by war, poverty, death, etc. It may sound morbid, but it helped me to think not so selfishly of myself but to think on those who had lost loved ones, whose husbands or wives or children were serving our country overseas with an uncertain fate, those who were battling illnesses....those who had it far worse than I. At least I knew that my children were healthy and safe and, though I would be alone, they would have a wonderful and magical Christmas with FP and they would return home to me within just a matter of days.

One day in December before my children left, I was driving in my car and the song "I'll Be Home for Christmas" came on the radio. I just absolutely lost it---sobbing. I said, "Lord, I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can do Christmas without my children. This isn't fair!" Lovingly and patiently, but firmly, God simply said back to me "Christmas is NOT about YOU". And I realized that rather than focusing on my kids, my loneliness, my sadness, my holiday...I needed to focus on Christ alone and worship Him throughout my time alone. God also put the thought in my mind to call a friend who worked for a local children's shelter and see if they needed help on Christmas Eve. This was completely the Holy Spirit and I am so thankful for it. I don't think I could have gone to the Christmas Eve service at my church and sat for one minute with all of the other "happy families" and pretended that I was just fine on my own. Luckily, the children's shelter did need help - so that year, without my children, I spent my Christmas Eve night with about 20 local children who were spending their Christmas without any parents. As I sat there looking around the room at the shelter, singing Christmas carols with these children on Christmas Eve night, I thought thankfully that at least I knew where my children were and how they were doing. At least I knew that they were safe and having fun. At least I knew they would be home in 2 days. These children at the shelter sat there on Christmas Eve night with no real "home", no idea where their moms and dads were, no idea if mom or dad were sober/healthy/safe, and no idea when or if they would ever see either parent again. What struck me the most, though, was that these children were happy. They weren't sitting at the shelter whining or complaining. They were singing, laughing, excited to go to sleep and wake up to open the gifts members of the community had provided for them. This pretty well put me back in my place! I spent the night that night at my parents' house so that I would not be alone and I can honestly say that I fell asleep in peace, touched beyond words by my experience at the shelter.

Lastly, and probably most selfishly, I also spent time planning a fun get-away for myself over the Holiday. I did not have anyone to travel with, so I humbly asked my parents if they would go away with me for a few days to a hotel and spa that I have been wanting to go to for years. Luckily they were able to go but if they had not been, I believe God would have provided another single mom, a friend, or peace by myself for me to get away. Having this time away to treat myself and relax and do things I would not have been able to do with my children was a huge blessing and helped occupy my time in a more than positive way.

By the time the day came for my children to return home, it honestly seemed like the time without them had flown by. I had prayed that God would show me how to spend that Christmas without them and He had answered my prayers above and beyond what I expected or imagined. I can honestly say that while there were difficult moments, all in all last Christmas was not a bad Christmas. I have memories from that Christmas, just like Christmases with my children, that I will treasure forever.

I warned you at the beginning of this story that there would be no earth-shattering advice or wisdom shared in this writing...only the account of how one single mom survived the holidays alone. But hopefully somewhere in there is some encouragement or idea you can grab a-hold of if you are spending your holiday alone this year. And if you are, please know that I am praying for you and will continue to pray for you and that our Father, who meets ALL of our needs in Christ Jesus, is able to bless your Christmas above and beyond what you could ever imagine. Trust Him with this Holiday as you trust Him with your heart, always.

Lord, I pray right now not only for all the single moms and dads out there who are spending Holidays without their children this year but also for military families, families who have loved ones in the hospital, families who have been separated by death, and any other families who are struggling right now. Lord, please help each of us to be so filled with your Spirit and your Presence that we would have that PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING this Christmas and New Years. Lord, please help us to remember that Christmas is not about us and how we feel but it is a time to look to YOU and to Your Son who came to FREE us from all sin, sorrow, and death. May we experience that freedom more than ever this year as we look to you in our time of need and trust in you to fill us to the measure of fullness with your love, peace, joy and hope. We love you Lord and we trust in you that you WILL meet ALL of our needs in Christ Jesus and in Him alone. In His name we pray...Amen!!

"[I pray that you may] know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:19-21

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a Son is given: and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6