Sleeping on the Job

Recently, another single mom I met through friends, who is now a precious friend herself, asked me if I ever just feel exhausted, like she does. I don't even think that exhausted is the word. I cannot even sit down without falling asleep. I don't remember being this tired ever before, even when I had the children by myself while FP was constantly gone, "at work". It is a different kind of tired now...like those dreams you have where you feel like your body is like lead and you dream that you are trying to wake up and can't wake up - can't force your eyes open and can't speak.... It is sometimes like I am living inside one of those dreams and I'm scared it's real. I think "It's finally happened; I've had a stroke; I'm in a coma"...But then of course I DO wake up and then realize - "Nope, still here...just exhausted".

I tried to read one of my children a book the other day - a short children's book about elephants or pandas or some sort of wildlife - and fell asleep in the middle of reading the book babbling nonsense and trying to say "Panda" but sounding like a drunk- at 4:00 in the afternoon. I woke up to my child hitting me and shaking me awake. That's pretty sad. But today I felt like an 80 year old woman. My oldest child's class had a field trip today to go and see a play at the local theatre. I was really excited because I usually miss field trips because of work, and this was one I could go on. This was going to be precious time with my child. He didn't have to be at school as we would all meet at the auditorium later in the morning, so the two of us had a sweet, special breakfast together. I made his favorite breakfast, we chatted while I sipped my coffee- very Norman Rockwell. We walked hand in hand into the theatre and picked our seats out right behind our good friends, M and D, and after some drama about where exactly he would sit or not sit, we settled in and got ready for the play to begin. Then the lights went down in the auditorium and all went dark. Uh-oh. To me, that is like the bell ringing for Pavlov's dogs. Within probably 20 minutes, I was out cold. At one point, my child hit me and told me to wake up but I just rolled over in my seat and drooled on the other side of the armrest. Then M turned around and jostled me, shaking her head in disbelief (but laughing her tail off of course). I was able to rally for the rest of the play after being jostled and tsked by M....and so I tried to make up for it by putting my arm around my child and making a few comments in his ear about the play. But I wonder how he will remember that moment...or any of the other moments I tried to read with them, play with them, watch a movie with them, and instead ended up drooling on myself. My only consolation is that surely one day, when they have their own children, they will understand and say "Wow, Mom, I can't believe you did this alone!" But I don't know if that day will come - I'm not holding my breath.

All I do know is that my God is El Roi - He is the God who sees - and I believe that He, My Father who knows every hair on my head, who knows every thought in my head before I even think it, who knew me before creation of the world.... He knows how truly exhausted I am and He sees my heart. He knows that I did not willfully sleep through that time with my child. He knows that I am not exhausted from laziness or poor lifestyle choices or rebellion. I don't even know why I am exhausted, but it is not due to any poor choice on my part...it just is what it is. And I serve a God who judges me not by my outward appearance or outward "weakness", but by my heart (1 Sam 16:7). He knows that in my heart I long to be with my children, to spend precious time with them, to fill their hearts to the fullest. He knows what hopes and desires are in my heart for my children and, whether or not I am able to make those things happen in my flesh, I believe that God will honor these hopes and desires because He will honor my heart and He will honor my children, who are even more precious to Him than they are to me. A lot of people talk about "standing in the gap" (Ezek 22) and use this to talk about intercessory pray for weaker believers or non-believers. I believe, based on Romans 8:26, that my Father, my Savior, will "stand in the gap" for me. He knows my weaknesses and my short-falls and if I ask Him to in prayer, He will fill those places in for me and fill those needs in my children that I am not able to fill. I FREQUENTLY pray this over them and it is amazing how many of my short-comings God has covered in His grace. I pray that He will fill in the cracks and holes that I leave behind and that He will help my children see my love for them and not my failures. I pray that in their little brains He would diminish those times of me falling asleep on them and that He would magnify those times of laughter and fun that we are able to have together (after I have a few espressos from Starbucks). I pray that He would open their eyes to see the love in their Mom's heart and that they too would not judge me by my outer weakness but by the truth of how much they must know I care about them and for them. And I will trust in Him to do this, because He is my Father, the Creator of heaven and earth. If He can create life from out of nothing, He surely can and will awaken a miracle in my sleepy home.